So my readers, I was shooting some surf down at Riviera in San Clemente, Ca and who do I run into…Eric the guitar player for THE STAR STRANGLED BASTARDS. We get to talking and I had interviewed this boys back in 2003 and the article never got published, the band broke up…ect ect…So Eric and I figured hey F*** it people still love the bastards locally and over seas so here you go, an interview via 2003 with none other than
T H E S T A R S T R A N G L E D B A S T A R D S
RESIN: Where are you from?
BASTARDS: JOEL: Cardiff ERIC: Small town Florida TED: My mothers p***y ERIC: Me too
RESIN: How long have you guys been together?
BASTARDS: ERIC: Well, we’ve just been dating a couple of weeks. JOEL: Me and him dated for like 3 years but then we broke up. TED: He cheated on me with a big black man. We’ve been playing for about five years, we got Joel and everything went down hill.
RESIN: Rumor has it you’re a Straight Edge band, is that true?
BASTARDS: JOEL: Can you drink vodka and still be a Straight Edge band? ERIC: I smoke a lot of pot TED: No they put a X’s on your hand so they know you paid at the door. .
RESIN: So are you a political band, or just another bubble-gum-punk-band?
BASTARDS: ERIC: We’re a political band. JOEL: A bubblegum political punk band. TED: We hate bubble gum………politically.
RESIN: Do you guys have any groupies?
BASTARDS: ERIC: Just you. JOEL: Yeah she moved in 4 years ago and I can’t get rid of her.
RESIN: What kind of crazy things do they do?
BASTARDS: ERIC: She pisses on your pillow. JOEL: She wont let me tell you.
RESIN: What was your favorite gig and why?
BASTARDS: ERIC: We haven’t played yet because we haven’t gotten there.
RESIN: Where do you see yourself in the future?
BASTARDS: JOEL: I see myself in the future at home with my two dogs, drinking vodka watching a movie……. And in bed ERIC: I’m going to Europe and hang out with Ted’s buddies.
RESIN: Do you guys wanna talk about your real jobs, or your other jobs?
BASTARDS: JOEL: I have a house cleaning business, I’ve been self employed for the past 8 years.. ERIC: Joel cleans poo. JOEL: I clean poo for old ladies. ERIC: Yeah and he likes it. JOEL: It offers me the opportunity be in such a great band. TED: Are we the worst band to interview ever?
RESIN: Tell us a little bit about yourselves.
BASTARDS: ERIC: Hi I’m Eric, I play Xbox and smoke weed. JOEL: I’m Joel, I grew up listening to punk rock my whole life, I never wanted to have a real corporate job. I work for…… ERIC: You lie you had a suit and tie guy job! JOEL: For nine months but I quit cuz I could not work for the man. TED: Do you shoot heroin? JOEL: No TED: Do you suck penis? JOEL: No, well one time.
RESIN: Tell me a little about what you guys are about.
BASTARDS: We grew up listening to old school punk rock, we’re totally pissed off about the fact that MTV will have a fucking girl like Avril Lavigne and claim that she’s punk rock, and Blink 182 is punk rock and Sum 41, the guy comes out, has liberty spikes, all kind of make-up on and patches, Good Charlotte, fucking all these bands claim punk rock and then they play this la la la power pop crap that has nothing to do with punk. And then they give punk a horrible name, because they have nothing to say ” I have a girl, I met her at the mall, ” bullshit! Punk had something to say, it still does, you just gotta dig a little deeper. Don’t listen to the shit they put on MTV.
RESIN: So what is it you guys have to say?
BASTARDS: JOEL: Everything!
“Think for yourself! Disagree
with my lyrics-fine, as long as
you think about em, you don’t
have to agree, punk is not a religion.
“If you listen to Nausea it doesn’t make you a Vegan, you can listen to that and disagree with what they say. You can disagree with what I have to say, as long as you think about something, just have a fucking thought in your head, better off for it. TED: To sum it up fucking wake up, open your eyes and listen and fucking….. ERIC: Just think for yourself. JOEL: We are not a Nazi band! Anybody that says we have anything to do with racism, sexism, or any sort of the fascism is full of shit cuz we are not. They cannot come to our shows and if they do come to our shows we are laughing at them the whole time they are at our shows. So don’t bother coming! We’re on an anti-racism label for Christ sake’s. Please don’t come, cuz the whole time you’re there, were laughing at you. I’m friends with big black Bill, he comes to my house for Christmas! But he does have a big black penis.
RESIN: Who were your major influences?
BASTARDS: TED: Infest…. English Dogs.… G.B.H…. Discharge…… ERIC: You don’t even have time to list your record collection. TED: ……Circle Jerks.…. JOEL: Sub Humans were a huge influence just for the fact that when at the time when they were playin everybody thought that punk rock was mindless, “I wanna kill my mommy, and I shit in an alley, and fuck my dog, and dog farts and ya ya yah”. They wrote songs in three minutes, told a story, politically, and even put a whole story together in a three-minute song, with a beginning, a middle, a conflict and an end. In three minutes. Going super fast. They put intelligence into punk rock. Conflict is another influence because they had something to say. ERIC: They put piano in it. JOEL: They put a little of that in there and I don’t like that part but, at least they had something to say. Bands that have a fuckin reason for being, you can spend all day long singin about the fact that like my tennis shoes but you might as well go be a happy band.
RESIN: You guys mentioned politics. What do you guys think about what is going on in the world right now?(2003)
BASTARDS: TED: Everyone should just mind their own fucking business. ERIC: No everyone shouldn’t mind their own business man, there’s fuckin issues in the world that need to be handled, until people stop and say hey everything’s fucking wrong, nothing will change. If there’s that one kid and he understands that hey something is fucked up man, he can stop and look at something that’s fucked up if he changes one thing, then its on a roll, someone did something about it. JOEL: In the early 80s, punk rock was super political, everybody had something to say it was during the cold war, and after that when that was over punk rock started singing about just a bunch of stupid shit, which is fine, cuz I like happy funny shit, you know, I got a good sense of humor. And everyone said oh yeah all that angry political punk rock stuff is over, it’s fuckin wasted, they were just spinnin their wheels, nothing was gonna happen, it’s a nice, happy world. Well, here’s 2003 and the world is at war, it’s worse than it was during the cold war. It’s not America vs. Russia. The world is at war. All those lyrics that Discharge wrote and all those lyrics that everybody else wrote are definitely appropriate now.
RESIN: Alright, in the hypothetical situation that some loser will log on to our magazine and read it, what do you guys want to say?
BASTARDS: ERIC: keep it punk, keep reading shitty dirtball magazines cuz those are the ones that have to be read, don’t read the corporate crap- keep it underground, support the locals keep it all real. JOEL: and there’s good music in town! TED: Make us look cool!
RESIN: Well, I thank you guys for your time, let’s go in and drink a few beers!
SOME DRUNK JACKASS: I’m not gon pontificate much longer, ya had done said it all so, i concede!